I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.