“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
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Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I did not eat the cake…
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.