Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
You Might Also Like
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
My loaf of bread looks terrified
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes