My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
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BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
The absolute effort that went into this omg
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.