the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
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[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we鈥檙e all stoked and offer to help.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
My friend asked what I鈥檇 say if my husband told me he鈥檇 never touch me again? I told her, I鈥檇 need it in writing.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[opening birthday presents]
me: 鈥s this another dead cat?schr枚dinger: *way too excited* we don鈥檛 know until you open it!
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
God: you鈥檙e my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 馃榾
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who鈥檚 my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that鈥檚 cool 馃檨
God: oh he鈥檚 super duper cool
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced 拢149.99.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 馃槝 You got this 馃挭
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
The calories don鈥檛 count in the bites we have to take of our kid鈥檚 food to get them to eat it
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.