I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
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Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle