Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Straight people are cancelled
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Lassie, get help!
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?