Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
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(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
*aggressively waits in line*
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Dishonest mechanic?
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”