My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
dogs can find happiness so easily
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.