Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
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If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*