I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
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*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.