My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
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Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week