“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
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[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
There are usually two types of merchants.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
October already? What’s next? November????
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener