Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
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Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
#JohnTravolta
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
*launders Kohls cash*
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.