Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
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Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”