Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
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How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Breaking news:
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI