7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
You Might Also Like
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
🤣🤣🤣
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)