I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
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Big Sex has us all fooled
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Yes, this is exactly right
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.