Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
You Might Also Like
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.