It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
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God, I love Scotland
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”