this is what they would have looked like, though
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Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.