No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
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o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Attacked by a mop.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously