*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
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I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Ah yes. The three genders
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.