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putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.