Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
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[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Meow
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?