Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
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“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.