“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
me before I type out affect or effect
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me