one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
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Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
This took me a second..
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.