Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
bury ourselves
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.