My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
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I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows