I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
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ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My first child will be named New Folder.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.