The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
You Might Also Like
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough