It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
You Might Also Like
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
[montage of me giving-up]
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”