I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
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*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I am a gravy boat captain
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.