Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
You Might Also Like
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Noted.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Why font matters.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.