okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
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Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Confused owl: What?!
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller