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me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
When you can’t find your friend Neil
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today