Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
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DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
rapatouille
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.