When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Did I do this right
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?