ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
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I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
#damn
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
We are the people our parents warned us about.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.