I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
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Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Breakfast for Stoners:
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]