WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
You Might Also Like
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there鈥檚 a small chance you鈥檙e the target of a police sting.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira鈥檚 hips: YES!
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If you鈥檙e stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…馃悎馃悎
#TuesdayMotivaton
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Cardio Made Easy
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you鈥檙e in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.