I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
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[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
britain’s three elite institutions
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Watson was Holmes schooled
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!