Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
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Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?