Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Every work call, he judges.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children