“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
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Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.