God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
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[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Woke up against my better judgement again
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Eat…
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.