Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
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I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Acronyms got me like WTF?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor