COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
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[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
#SuperBowl
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambĂ©d your soup
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
What’s a Messi?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”