just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
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My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.